By Dr. Shay Bintliff
As we now know, most political scandals involve spectacularly bad behavior…but they also produce some of the funniest jokes. And, NO, I am not going to tell any jokes about Rep. Anthony Weiner….but there are soooo many out there ,and they are funny. It’s just that I know the editor will do what he does best..”edit.” So, let’s have some clean laughter!!
Just to remind you that ‘ONLY IN AMERICA’…* Can a pizza get to your house quicker than an ambulance….ONLY IN AMERICA…* Do people order double cheeseburger, large fries, and a diet coke….ONLY IN AMERICA..* Do banks leave both doors to the vault open and then chain the pens to the counters. ..ONLY IN AMERICA.. * Do they buy hot dogs in a package of ten and buns in a package of eight. And…ONLY IN AMERICA.. * Do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering!!
The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office. “What is your name?” was the first thing the manager asked the new guy. “John”, the new guy replied. The manager scowled and said, “Look, I don’t know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked at before, but I don’t call anyone by his first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only
Smith, Jone, Baker…that’s all! I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we’ve got that straight, what is your last name?” The new guy sighed and said, “Darling. My name is John Darling.” “OK, John, the next thing I need to tell you is…..”
Kids are QUICK…and I love it. Some great examples: TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America. MARIA: Here it is. TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?” CLASS: Maria!!! * TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell ‘crocodile’? GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-L!! TEACHER: NO, that’s wrong. GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it!” * TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn’t have ten years ago. WINNIE: Me!!! * TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me honestly, do you say prayers before eating? SIMON: No sir, I don’t have to cause my Mom is a great cook! …and one last one??? TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking and talking when people are no longer at all interested? HAROLD: A teacher!!! (oye…is he in trouble!)
And my health message to all of you..1.If walking/cycling is good for your health
the postman would be immortal. 2.A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks only water-and is FAT! 3. A rabbit runs and hops everywhere-and only lives at most 15 years. 4. A tortoise doesn’t run, moves so slowly, does nothing-yet lives for as much as 450 years. OK…read all this one more time. AND YOU THINK YOU SHOULD EXERCISE????
Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers (we did just celebrate fathers!). The first boy says, “My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, and the give him $50!” The second boy says, “That’s nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, and they give him $100!” The third boy says, “I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!!”
A police recruit was having his oral exam, and was asked by the examiner, “What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?” He replied firmly, “Call for backup!!”
And now for some fun replies from some famous people. QUESTION: Why did the chicken cross the road? ANSWERS:
* Freud: The fact that you thought that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
* Darwin: Chicken, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they now are predisposed to cross roads.
* Bill Gates: I have just released the new Chicken 2000, which will both cross roads AND balance your checkbook, thought when it divides 3 by 2 it gets 1.49999999! ..and the finale..
* Martin Luther King, Jr.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question. (whoops…forget the best one!)
* Colonel Sanders: I MISSED ONE!
That’s it for today, friends. Be Well..be Kind…and rmember…there is not vaccine against stupidity! Aloha…a hui hou…