The latest nonsense written everywhere…. books, magazines, movies, television, etc…..that getting old is good! Now, I will tell you that these ‘experts’ are no where near old. Also, and I will say this very s-l-o-w-l-y….any item about aging doesn’t work unless it is written by someone who’s been there and forgotten most of what really happened. So…now let’s LAUGH!!
After a lady’s car had leaked motor oil on her cement driveway, she bought a large bag of cat litter to soak it up. It worked so well, that she went back to the store to get another bag to finish the job. The clerk remembered her from earlier in the day. He looked thoughtfully at her purchase and then said, ‘Lady, if I were you and that were my cat, I’d put him outside!!’
The local sheriff was looking for a new deputy. Gomer, not the sharpest nail in town, went in to try out for the job. ‘Okay,’ the sheriff began, ‘Gomer, what is 1 and 1?’ ’11′, he replied. The sheriff, thinking to himself, ‘Well, that’s not what I meant, but he’ right. So, Gomer, what two days of the week start with the letter ‘T’?’ ‘Today and Tomorrow’ Gomer answers. The sheriff again was surprised that Gomer gave an answer he had never thought of himself. ‘Now Gomer, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?’ Gomer looked a bit surprised, then replied, ‘I don’t know.’ ‘Well, why don’t you go home and work on that one for a while?’ So, on the way home Gomer stops in at the barbershop where his pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview. Gomer was so excited. ‘It went great! First day on the job and I’m already working on a murder case!!’
A guy is driving along in rural Texas when he sees a sign in front of a shabby old house: ‘Talking Dog for Sale.’ He stops, rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard. The man goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador sitting there. ‘You talk?’ he asks. ‘Yep’, the Lab replies. After the man recovers from the shock of hearing the dog respond, he says, ‘So, what’s your story?’ The Lab looks up and says, ‘Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government so I started working for the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for 8 years running. Finally I got tired of all the jetting around, so I got a job at the airport doing some undercover security. I got married, had a mess of puppies and now i am retired!’ The man was amazed. He goes back to the owner and asks how much he wants for the dog. ‘Ten dollars’, the owner replies. ‘Ten dollars? But this dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?’ Because he’s a liar! He never did any of that crap!’
A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, ‘Hello beautiful!’ Then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that, so she stayed at his side. A few minutes later, his eyes fluttered open and he said, ‘You are still here, cutie!’ The wife was disappointed because instead of beautiful it was now cute. She says to him, ‘What happened to beautiful?’ Her husband replied, ‘The drugs are wearing off.’ …….and then the fight started! …another one for you menfolk…
A man was on an isolated beach when he discovered an old lamp in the sand. He rubbed it and a genie popped out. The genie said, ‘I will grant you three wishes. The only condition is that you cannot wish for more wishes.’ ‘Alright,’ says the man, ‘I wish for more genies!’
It is that time of the year in North Kohala when the mice are abundant! So, three mice are sitting around drinking and boasting about their strengths. The first mouse says, ‘Mouse traps, Ha!! I do pushups with the bar!’ The second mouse pulls a pill from his pocket, swallows it, and says with a grin, ‘D-Con Rat Poison’. The third mouse finishes his drink, slams his glass on the table and starts to leave. The first mouse says, ‘Where do you think you are going?’ ‘Time to go home and chase the cat!!’
Playing golf with a psychiatrist friend of mine the other day. While walking up to the ninth hole, he says to me, ‘would you believe that yesterday I had a patient who claimed he heard music every time he put on his hat. ‘No way’, I said. ‘What did you do’ The psychiatrist answered me, ‘I took it away and removed the band!’ …OK, one more golf story…better than the last…
A guy is getting ready to tee off one the first hole when a second golfer approaches and asks if he could join him. The first said that he usually played alone, but agreed to a twosome. They were ‘even’ after the first few holes. The second man says, ‘We’re about evenly matched, so how about playing for five bucks a hole?’ The first man says he’s not one for betting but agreed to the wager. The second guy won the remaining 16 holes with ease. As they were walking off number 18, the second man is busy counting his $80. He confesses that he is the pro at a local course and liked to pick on suckers. The first fellow revealed that he was the Parish Priest. The pro was flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money. The Priest says, ‘No, you won fair and square, and I was foolish to bet with you.’ The pro says, ‘Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?’ The Priest replies, ‘Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday a make a donation. And, if you want to bring your mother and father along, I’ll marry them!!’ I think that’s it for today, my friends. Just remember…when it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile. Aloha…a hui hou.