Thursday, July 19th, 2012
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The world of private equity is way too complex for even ‘sound bite rants’ today … but ‘you know who’ admits that he refuses to make his tax returns public and yes, he has hidden his money in bank accounts in Switzerland and the Caymans. He says, “if refusing to release this information is wrong, I don’t want to be right! I did it all for love.” Now you figure that one!

A man goes into a book store and asks the worker at the counter, “Excuse me, Miss, where’s the self-help section?”

She smiles and responds, “If I told you wouldn’t that defeat the purpose?”

A minister enters his church from the main entrance and sees a man just kneeling in the front. He doesn’t want to disturb him, so he just sits and waits for the man to finish his prayers.

The man has a loud voice so he hears him say, “Lord, I know I haven’t talked to you that much, but this year you have taken away:

… my favorite screenwriter, Nora Ephron … my favorite visionary, Steve Jobs … my favorite children’s author, Maurice Sendak … my favorite hairstylist, Vidal Sassoon … my favorite Bluegrass musician, Earl Scruggs … my favorite 60 Minutes guy, Mike Wallace … my favorite pop singer, Whitney Houston … and my favorite TV sheriff, Andy Griffin! I just wanted you to know that my favorite radio announcer is … Rush Limbaugh!” (It couldn’t hurt to ask! Amen.)

… one more for you church goers …

A priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at dinner. However, he was delayed, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.

He said, “I got my first impression of this parish from the first confession I heard here. I initially thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The first person to enter my confessional told me he had stolen a TV set and when the police questioned him, he lied his way out of it. He also said he had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had taken illegal drugs, and had an affair with his boss’s wife. But as the days went on, I learned that the rest of you are loving people and I was fortunate to be at this parish. ”

Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived, full of apologies for being late. He immediately began to speak, “I’ll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived,” he said. ” In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession!” (moral to this one: Never, never, never be late!)

A man is pulled over for running a stop sign. When the cop checked the man’s driver’s license, he says, “You’re wearing glasses on your ID and now you’re not. I’m going to have to give you a ticket.”

The man responds, “But officer, I have contacts!”

The cop says, “Look buddy, I don’t care who you know … I’m giving you a ticket and you’d better pay it or I’ll be looking for you!”

A school teacher asked her primary six class to construct sentences with the words: defeat, detail and defense. There was a long pause before a pupil raised his hand. She was somewhat surprised as he was always quiet and not the brightest in the class, thus was assigned to the last row in the room.

He said, “Here’s my sentence: The cow jumped over defense and detail went over defeat!” Yep…he got moved to the front row!

The doctor was finding it difficult, but finally broke the bad news to a man and his ailing wife.

“Your wife will have to be admitted to a psychiatric hospital. I’m afraid her mind is completely gone.”

“Makes sense to me,” mumbled the man, “she’s be giving me a piece of it every day for the past 25 years!” … and then the fight started!

One more and I’m done for today (and in big trouble!) While creating women, God made a promise to men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. And then He smiled and made the earth ROUND! Be well, my friends … hug those you love … and tell them you love them! Aloha..a hui hou

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