Thursday, May 31st, 2012
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By Shay Bintliff, MD

Do you believe this? Some entrepreneur in the Netherlands is opening a Divorce Hotel! OK, so half of all American marriages end in divorce. I haven’t seen the statistics, but that’s the common line. This brilliant conception basically is a “check in on Friday, married. Check out on Sunday, divorce papers in hand.” He’s tried it in the Netherlands and now is negotiating with several cities, New York and LA, as well as with law firms and two TV production companies … Oh yes, another reality show! Just what we need. What I want to know is what will happen to the couples who are booked on their ‘final night’ in the honeymoon suite? OK … enough nonsense … let’s have some LOL’s!

Two locals from _________ were riding in their car, arguing about how to say the name of the city they were in. One said, “Heelo”…the other said High-low. They went on arguing and arguing, until they came upon a fast food restaurant. The one guy goes inside and says to the waitress, “Tell me the name of the place where I am right now … really, reall,y really slowly.”

The waitress says, “Bur-ger-King!”

A wife texts her husband who is out of town on a business trip on a cold winter morning: “Windows frozen!”

Husband texts back: Sorry honey, but just pour some luke warm water over it.”

Wife texts back about 30 minutes later: “Computer completely damaged…don’t bother to come home without a replacement!!”

So, what’s in a name? Do you all remember the famous Olympic skier Picabo Street (pronounced Pee-Ka-Boo. Well, Picabo is not just an athlete. She is now a nurse currently working in an Intensive Care Unit of a large metropolitan hospital. She is not permitted to answer the hospital telephones any longer. It caused too much confusion when she would answer the phone and say, “Picabo, I.C.U.” Yea, I know … a good clean joke is hard to find these days!

Here’s one for all you Irishmen and women…An Irish priest, Father O’Malley, was transferred to Texas. He arose from his bed one fine, spring morning and walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed that there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station, and the conversation went something like this: “Good morning . The is Sergeant Jones. How can I help you?”

“And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O’Malley at St. Ann’s Catholic Church. There’s a jackass lying dead in me front lawn.”

Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite the wit, replied with a smirk, “Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!”

There was dead silence on the line for a moment……..Father O’Malley then replied: ” Aye, ‘tis certainly true, but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin!”

Wife: There’s trouble with the car! It has water in the carburetor!

Husband: Water in the carburetor? That’s ridiculous!

Wife: I tell you the car has water in the carburetor!

Husband: You don’t even know what a carburetor is. Where is the car?

Wife: In the swimming pool! …and then the fight started …

A wealthy ________buys a new automatic Jaguar XF. She drives the car perfectly well during the day, but at night, the car just won’t move. After trying to drive the car at night for a week, but without any luck, she furiously calls the Jaguar dealer and they then send out a technician to assist her. The technician examines the car and finds nothing wrong with it. So he turns to the ________ and asks, “Ma’am, are you sure you are using the right gears?”

Full of anger, she replies: “You fool, you idiot, how on earth could you ask such a question? I’m not stupid, you know! Of course, I am using the right gears…I use ‘D’ during the day and ‘N’ at night!!!!”

A pregnant woman gets into a car accident and falls into a deep coma. Asleep for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she no longer is pregnant. Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby. The doctor replies, “Ma’am, you had twins! A boy and a girl. The babies are fine! Your brother, Kimo, from Hawaii came and named them.”

The woman thinks to herself, “Oh, no, this cannot be good!”

Expecting the worst, she asked the doctor, “Well, what’s the girl’s name?”

“Denise,” says the doctor.

The new mother thinks, “Wow, that’s not a bad name! Maybe I am wrong about my brother. I like Denise.”

The she asks the doctor, “So, what’s the boy’s name?” The doctor replies, “DeNephew!” (And I’m not telling you where Kimo lives!)

You all know I love ‘one-liners’…so I will close with a few:

*My friend Leilani said that when she was young it was “Look, but don’t touch!” Now she says it’s ” Touch, but don’t look!”

*An 85 year-old was telling his doctor that there is scientific proof that birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the longer you live!

*I think part of a best friend’s job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die!

*Shirts get dirty! Underwear gets dirty! Jeans? Jeans never get dirty, and you can wear them forever!

… and the grande finale …

*I disagree with Kay jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night that more kisses begin with Bud Light than Kay!

And my favorite Patrick Henry thought: He thought that taxation without representation was bad. WOW…he should see how bad it is with representation!

Be well, my friends … and continue to be grateful on this recent Memorial Day for all who have given so much for our country! May we have peace! Aloha…a hui hou