Aloha friends! Well, here we go again…Roger Clemens goes on trial for lying to Congress. Why can’t we put Congress on trial for lying to us? Ready to laugh?
Here’s the truth: Imagine living with three wives in one compound and never leaving the house for five years. It is now believed that Bin Laden called the US Navy Seals himself!
The photographer for a national magazine was assigned to get photos of a huge forest fire. Smoke at the scene was too thick to gat any good shots, so he frantically called his home office to hire a plane. “It will be waiting for you at the airport!” he was assured by his editor. As soon as he got to the small. rural airport, sure enough a plane was warming up near the runway. He jumped in with all his equipment and yelled, “Let’s go!! Let’s go!! The pilot swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air. “Fly over the north side of the fire,” said the photographer, “and make three or four low level passes.” “Why?” asked the pilot. “Because I’m going to take pictures! I’m a photographer, and photographers take pictures!” said the man with great exasperation. After a long pause the pilot said, “You mean you are not the instructor?”
Don’t mess with us old folks…A college student challenged a senior citizen, saying it was impossible for their generation to understand his. “You grew up in a different world”, the student said. “Today we have television, jet planes, space travel, nuclear energy computers…Taking advantage of the pause in the student’s litany, the geezer says, “You’re absolutely right! We didn’t have those things when we were young, so we invented them! Now, what are you doing for the next generation?” …like I said don’t mess with us senior pros!
After checking the back of their store and realizing it had been vandalized, the night watchmen called the police. An officer went inside and called out “Marco!” The robber’s name was not Marco, but the officer found the suspect after he responded, “Polo!”
Two ladies were sipping their Starbucks when a truck went past loaded up with rolls of sod. “I’m going to do that when I win the lottery!” “Do what?”, asked the other lady. “Send my lawn away to be mowed”, responded her friend.
OK…now some great one-liners from doctors: * The podiatrist to his patient with wife standing near: “Okay…who’s gonna foot the bill?”
* Surgeon to his patient on morning rounds: “Great news. Your attitude check came back positive!”
* Physician to patient who lost his insurance coverage: “Bad news, my friend. You have PAYMENT-DEFICIT DISORDER.” …ONE MORE??
* The psychiatrist is looking at his patient , a large dog reclining: The dog says, “Occasionally, I think I am a furry little dog, yipping like crazy..” The shrink responds, “You’re Shih-Tzu-phrenic!”
A lawyer was cross-examining the doctor about whether or not he had checked the pulse of the deceased before he signed the death certificate. “No”, the doctor said. “I did not check his pulse.” “And did you listen for a heartbeat?” asked the lawyer. “No, I did not, “responded the doctor. “So,” said the lawyer, “when you signed the death certificate, you had not taken steps to make sure he was dead!” The doctor responded, “Well, let me put it this way. The man’s brain was in a jar on my desk, but, for all I know, he could be out practicing law somewhere!” (Ouwee)
And to close with a few more one-liners: * I’d like to help you out. Which way did you come in?” * I don’t know what your problem is, but I bet it is hard to pronounce! Try those on people who you know like you… That’s it for today, my friends. Be Well…Live Aloha!! …a hui hou…