Thursday, March 29th, 2012
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By Shay Bintliff, MD

In these times of soaring gasoline prices, can you manage at least one, or maybe two laughs (OK, just a snicker will do)!

A man is at the gas pump and pushes the ‘go’ button and a voice says: “please insert your credit card.” He does, and then the voice says, “Please enter the make and model of your car followed by your annual salary.” He does this. The the voice says, “Your loan has been approved…you may now fill up!” (a couple more?)

A Triple A service man pulls up to a caller and asked, “may I see your AAA card, and then tell me what’s the problem.” The caller hands his AAA card to the man and says, ” I’m not broken down. I thought you’d be cheaper than buying gas!” …and the grand finale….Grandpa is talking to his 6-year-old grandson, saying: “Back in 1952, gasoline was 25 cents a gallon! When you pulled up to the pump, three guys came out and checked your oil and your tires, then cleaned your windows!” The grandson quietly, thinking to himself, “This must be that thing my Mom called ‘senility’”! (enough?)

Yesterday scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory, the scientist fed 100 men 12 pints of beer each and observed that 100 percent of them gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, and couldn’t drive! (Am I in trouble for that one??)

The editor of a famous newspaper declared that proofreading is a dying art. Read the following and you will agree! **New Study Looks for a Larger Test Group (Weren’t they fat enough?) **Something Went Wrong In Jet Crash, Expert Says. (Nah…no way!) **Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over! (Wow…what a guy!) **Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant (Let’s see if that works better than a fair trial!) ..and the grand finale.. **Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges (You mean there’s something stronger than duck tape?)

A man goes to the police station wanting to speak to the burglar who broke into his house the night before. “You’ll get your chance in court, sir,” the desk sergeant says to him. “No, No, No!!” says the man. “I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I’ve been trying to do that for years!”

Howze about some “out-of-the-mouths of babes?” A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan. She asked the class, “If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?” A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, “I think I’d throw up!”

A Rabbi said to this precocious six-year-old boy, “So, your mother says your prayers for you each night? That’s very commendable. What does she say?” The little boy answered, “Thank God he’s in bed!”

One more… The preacher’s 8-year-old daughter noticed that her father always paused and bowed his head for a moment before starting his sermon. One day, she asked him why. “Well sweetie,” he began, proud that his daughter was so observant of his messages. “I’m asking the Lord to help me preach a good sermon.” “How come He doesn’t answer you?”

OK friends…to close with some free advice…When pressed for a response to a real difficult person, the following will work every time…” I’m not being rude! You are just insignificant!” (and then the fight started…)

Aloha…a hui hou.